17th second

I lied when I said I held no expectations for you .

When deep inside , i yearned for you to pull me back when I walk away

& hold me for a kiss .

I lied when I said I was kidding about wanting you to stay

that you could leave whenever you wanted to 

when deep inside , I wanted you to insist you’ll stay .

I lied when I said I would stop replying if you continued being controlling

That was exactly how I wanted to be treated .

Dominated and contaminated .

I lied when I said I wanted to be left  alone

I just wanted you to assure me you’ll be there for me .

I lied when I said I don’t like you to be clingy 

I was just afraid my inner self would take charge and I’ll restrict you 

i lied every time I said I’m fine 

I never was .

I’m sorry that I love you so absurdly and skeptically 

I’m sorry that I’m twisted .

She fought back against her tears as she continued to write in her book .

She labelled this , the book of suppression : the things I never told you .